Submission
by Adarian
Summary: Sten is now in the hands of the Ben-Hassrath in Seheron. As part of his re-education, he is forced to retell his history with the Warden while proving his commitment to the Qun. Duty and Not Today are both retold here
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

_You, who are tried in wars and battles, hold close to me now and you will feel no fear of death; keep beside me and your weakness will pass, the trembling will leave your hand…forget death and follow me_

I waited in the cell, the stones cold against my skin after being exposed to the hot and humid air of the jungle around me. A bowl of water and some bread had been left on the floor for me and I ate it slowly, knowing my stomach could not handle so much so quickly.

I had been fasting for nearly three weeks, with only the occasional allotment of water. A kind guard had brought me tea one cold night. I appreciated the sentiment and I drank it quickly as I tried to keep warm.

But most nights it was far too hot. I would lay naked against the stone, sweating in the jungle heat. After months in the mountains of Ferelden, I had grown used to the cold and the heat of my homeland had made me greatly ill.

A guard came to my cell, bowing his head as he opened the door. I went with him willingly, as I always did. If I obeyed, Asala would be allowed to be strapped to my side. If not, I would feel soulless, knowing she had been stored away in a dank room until my reeducation was over.

I was brought out into the jungle again, out of the cells, and across the courtyard of the Viddathlok. The others stared, though many would turn their eyes away to if my glance met theirs. It was not often a hornless Qunari would be reeducated.

The children were outside, being taught by their Ben-Hassarath teachers of the merits of the Qun. One little elf girl looked up at me, and smiled briefly until her teacher called her attention back harshly.

I was brought into the chambers of the Ben-Hassarath. It was a secluded part of the compound, almost reaching the edge of the jungle. The priests would train the adults here, the new converts and the ones who had strayed.

The guard let me into the room I had spent days in, the room that I had nightmares of, the darkened place that smelt of blood and vomit and urine. Thankfully, very few of those fluids had belonged to me.

Chota walked into the room, dressed in the traditional garbs of the priestesses of Seheron, the leather breastplate and the flowing silk skirt dyed with the dark purple flowers that grew so prominently on the island.

She carried her tome, the book in which she wrote down our confessions, my weaknesses. Sometimes she took notes even though I had said nothing.

She made me kneel before her and she would stand above me, holding the tome in one hand and the pen in the other.

"You have been here for six weeks now, Sten," she said, "And yet you still have not even spoken more than a few words to me. Your reeducation is moving much slower than I would like. The Ariqun herself has asked about your progress. It is common knowledge now that you have come to us."

"Can you yet submit to the Qun?" Chota asked, raising an eyebrow at me, "Or have you decided to spend your days in that cell of yours?"

I did not know what to say, but merely bowed my head in respect.

"You know why you are here, Sten. You have been faithful, strong, but you have gone astray. You hold a loyalty above the Qun. You know the chaos this leads to. You must feel this already. There is only peace, only happiness in following the Qun."

"I…I have suffered," I said, closing my eyes.

"And you know the cause of that suffering, that agony," she said almost kindly, "Remember what it was before, what it meant to be a Sten in the Beresaad. Remember where your loyalty should lie. To the Qunari people."

"I know."

"Then why do you resist us still?"

"I…I do not mean to. But it is more difficult than I imagined it would be."

"Then you must work with me, Sten," Chota replied, flipping back in her tome, looking at the notes from the weeks beforehand, "Are you willing to talk now?"

"I will try."

"So tell me then about the Warden."


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter One**

I had spent nearly three weeks in the cage. My body ached from stiffness, from hunger, from the rocks thrown at me during the day and the darkspawn attacks at night.

I was close to dying. I knew it. Perhaps a few days more before my body would give up on me, before I would not be able to fight anymore. I did not fear death, but to die here, alone and soulless in this foreign land, I could not stand it.

She had been gentle as she approached my cage, her companions discussing me as if I was not there. But she, she looked me in the eye and handed me her canteen through the bars. I did not want to drink at first, but as she insisted, I sipped slowly, my mouth parched from days without water.

She was an elf, not unlike the hundreds of freed slaves living in Seheron. She was the obvious leader between the four of them and as they discussed my fate behind her, she waited patiently for me to take my fill. When I handed the canteen back to her, she did not ask what I had done or try to bribe me.

She merely asked if she could help me.

I did not think she could. She was a woman, a small one at that. But there was a fire in her eyes, a passion. I realized later that was her sense of justice, the hunger that would lead us to the void and back to protect the people of Ferelden.

Perhaps she was merely another pawn of this worthless society, I did not know then. But despite my better judgment, I decided to trust her.

I watched her companions leave, her eyes resting on me briefly before they turned back to the Chantry to insist on my freedom.

I sat back down in the cage and tried to sleep. It was not so much later that she returned, key in hand while the other three watched her wearily from a distance. She unlocked the cage and offered her hand to help me out. I did not take it.

She was not offended, but smirked as I climbed out of the cage, my legs shaky and my muscles aching. We rested for a short time outside the village, in a field where she examined my injuries and gave me some bread and cheese to eat. I ate hungrily as she worked, her hands binding a particularly deep wound that caused me to wince slightly.

She passed me a health poultice and I drank it slowly, feeling the effects on my body as my wounds began to heal. I grew tired, but I would not show weakness in front of them.

"My name is Kaillian," she said, "Kaillian Tabris of the Grey Wardens."

"Sten."

"Is that your name?" She asked.

"It is who I am."

We made camp that night after battling bandits and fighting darkspawn. It felt good to fight again, to be at purpose. But the blade in my hand was far too light; it felt wrong to me after years of holding Asala. But I said nothing. What Bas would understand what it meant to be soulless? For them, any weapon was a good weapon.

The other Warden, a somewhat dimwitted fellow named Alistair, tried to play with the Mabari hound who growled at him when he approached his food. The Mage, who Alistair referred to as Apostate, camped further away from the rest, avoiding the others. I recognized the third companion, a woman named Leilana, who had once brought me bread before the Chantry Mother told her to stop.

Kaillian came forth to me, bringing me another healing tonic.

"You were in that cage for weeks," she explained, handing it over, "I just want to make sure you are all right."

"I am fine," I insisted, "I will be able to fight. I will honour our agreement."

"Sten," she said kindly, "I did not free you from that cage to serve me. I freed you to save your life. If you wish to leave, leave. If you wish to stay, stay. I know you are a fierce warrior."

"You…you were worried about me," I replied, "Thank you. I am not used to sincerity in this country of yours."

"I hear that," she smiled, offering again the tonic.

I took it as our hands met. I had not expected her skin to be so warm against mine.

"I will follow you. Wherever you lead," I swore.

I drank it, sighing slightly as the pain faded again.

"He bit me!" Alistair cried out, holding his nose.

"I better go deal with that," she laughed and turned away. I grew tired quickly and laid down on my bedroll. I fell asleep, hearing her laugh.

That night I dreamt of Seheron, of the dark purple irises that grew in the wilds.


	3. Chapter Two

"Why are we here?" I demanded from her as we left the Chantry, "We should not defend these people here when there are darkspawn to fight elsewhere."

"We need allies," she explained, "If we do this, we can get to Arl Eamon and get access to his troops. You may have noticed, there are only six of us right now."

"Well, it seems one of those six is also a prince," I replied, looking over at Alistair, "Can we not ransom him for some more troops?"

Alistair looked wildly at her in concern, but she merely laughed, "If only it were that easy."

"Sten," she said, putting her hand on my arm, "Trust me. Okay?"

I nodded as she turned to Alistair, punching him gently in the shoulder as she teased, "Do you really think I would sell you off? What would I do without my partner in crime?"

Alistair blushed slightly and the Mage and I shared a disparaging look.

The battle had been fierce, but the effort was increased as the Warden rallied the troops and convinced men to join the militia. She agreed with me that any one who could fight should fight to protect their people. She had no patience for those who relied on the work of others.

I admired her strength on the battlefield and I could see she had a strategic mind. She was not as physically strong as many of her opponents, but she had endurance and strength of will.

Dawn broke over Lake Calenhad and I watched the sun rise with her as we sat on the shore. She had stripped off her helmet, letting her hair out in the breeze, taking off her boots to rest her feet in the sand. I wished to do the same, but it was too cold for me and merely took my helmet off.

Our other companions were sleeping on the shore, one of the few places not bloodied by the creatures and the militia. The Mabari slept underneath Alistair's arm and the two women slept nearby in a make shift tent.

But neither the Warden nor I could sleep after battle. So we watched the sun over the water, the red and orange light tinting our faces already bruised and bloodied. She looked over at me with a smile, her dark hair matted with blood flowed behind her as the wind came across the water.

"I trust you," I said.

"Good."

She stripped out of her armour into the linen slip she wore underneath. I looked away but she laughed.

"You can hardly see anything, Sten," she said as she began washing out her hair in the water, splashing it upon her face and shivering slightly because of the cold. I followed her lead, washing my face in the lake. The cold shocked me but it felt good to have the dirt and blood of the battle washed from my skin.

When I looked up, her slip was left on the beach and I could see the top of her head as she swam just underneath the water. Her head broke through the water's surface. She seemed so small as she swam, but a joy came to her face as she moved through the cold water.

I had an urge to join her, but I rationalized that I would only catch cold and grow sick. She was being foolish, I reasoned. But I could guard her as she had a moment of respite.

The sun was nearly risen as she came back to the shore and I handed her the shift, looking away as she put it back on. She shivered slightly as she put her armour back on, braiding her hair back. The girl playing in the water was gone, and the warrior was back before me.

As she went to wake the others and arrange our assault on the castle, I realized the meaning behind her actions. Though she could not say it, she trusted me too.


	4. Seheron

I was led back to my cell as dusk settled in the jungle. This night was more humid than the past week. I felt myself sweating through my simple garbs and once the guard left, I stripped and laid against the cold stone tiles. I threw my blanket on top. I knew there would be no sense of getting sick. It would only insure that I was here even longer than I had wanted to be.

Had I ever really wanted to be here?

When I close my eyes, I wish I were back at that campfire, gazing upon her across the flames between us. Knowing she was safe, I would sleep easier.

That is why I needed to be here. Perhaps I did not wish to be, but I needed to. For the Qun.

Perhaps Chota will see that, my willingness to be shaped, molded back to what I was before I left Seheron.

Yet as I told her my tale, I wished to defend my actions, to tell her that I had not betrayed them that my heart belonged to the Qunari. I wanted to justify them, to prove that they were not wrong.

The bruises on my arms were healing finally. It hurt less to lay down. For the first week, I had to sleep sitting up so I would not be in so much pain.

I needed to prove myself.

But yet I knew I could not submit.


	5. Chapter Three

I am ashamed how much I feared the Deep Roads. The walls felt like a tomb around me. I was certain that this was how death felt and I did not like that feeling.

The Mage led us further in the dark, her staff yielding a single flame for us to follow in the caverns and tunnels.

The Warden was just behind her, conversing with the dwarf who had insisted on joining the expedition. The others had been left in the city. It was too dangerous to bring them all, the Warden justified and took only the three companions into the dark.

She had seemed uncomfortable as well down in the dark, but she was distracted enough talking to the drunken fool beside her. Besides the dwarf's obvious strength and ability, he had no honor or a sense of responsibility. I trusted the Warden and if she trusted the man, then I would try to do the same. Though perhaps out of all the companions we would meet, he was the one who tested my patience most.

We made camp at the edge of a ruined Thaig, the ruined stonewalls glowing by the light of the fire. The drunken dwarf was already asleep, snoring in his bedroll. The mage too was asleep, her black hair poking out of her bedroll as she tried to keep warm in the damp caverns.

The Warden sat with me by the fire, taking off her leather boots to let her feet air by the warmth of the fire.

I watched her feet, no bigger than one of our kind's children. She caught me staring and she raised an eyebrow.

"I was merely curious," I insisted, "I was wondering why each time we find gear, you will share everything, but you always give the others shoes, and never take a new pair for yourself. Is it because your feet are so small compared to the others?"

"No," she said softly with a laugh, "Though I guess that doesn't really help either. They were my mother's boots. In the alienage, we rarely received new things. My father gave them to me on the day of-when I left to become a Warden. It's one of the few things I have from home. I know they're rather thin…but I like the smell of the leather. It's comforting."

"Do you have anything like that?" she asked at him, smiling.

I thought of Asala, somewhere lost or sold on the shores of Lake Calahad. But I did not reply so. It was not the same thing, but it was the only possession I had ever truly cared for.

"You can go sleep, Sten," she said, "You must be tired. I can stay up for sentry."

"I cannot sleep," I admitted, "This place…it feels…wrong. Like…death."

"You feel it too," she smirked, looking at the high ceilings around us, "I thought it must be just me. The Grey Wardens…well, here is where we come to die. When our time comes, many go to die in battle. I thought I could handle that," she turned back to Sten and frowned, "I guess death doesn't scare me. But knowing where I'll die…here, in the dark…this isn't a heroic death. I'll just be waiting until some darkspawn gets me."

She shuddered slightly and I moved closer to her.

I thought of what the Ben-Hassarath teacher had told me when I was a child, when I asked how to face death without terror.

"My people…we do not fear death. We try at least. There is a book of prayers we sing for those who have gone, for those who are dying. Perhaps that is no comfort," I paused as I looked at her, "But I would sing those songs for you."

"You would come with me, wouldn't you?" she said softly, her small bare hand touching mine, "Thirty years or so from now, if I asked you to, you would come with me and stay with me until I was gone."

"Wherever you lead," I replied, surprising even myself with my sincerity, "That is what I swore that day you spared my life. That promise does not end with the Blight, but with my life."

She sighed, "I don't want to die here."

"Nor do I," I admitted, my lips curling into a small smile.

We heard the low bellow of a creature in a cavern nearby, and we both reached for our weapons beside us.

I could see the silhouette of an ogre on the cavern wall, and she turned to me, and commanded, "Wake the others. Now."

The mage and the dwarf were stirred from their sleep as the Warden pulled out her swords and ran forth. I ran forth, slashing my way through the emerging darkspawn to reach her side.

I saw her roll from the ogre, and turning to see the mage and dwarf fighting adequately, I barreled my way forth through the darkspawn until I reached the Warden facing down the creature. It swiped her side, knocking her unto a rock. Holding her chest with the left hand, she faced the creature with only her dagger in her right hand, preparing to lunge at it. It shook the ground and caused her to fall as it hit her across the chest again.

My heart skipped a beat and I ran forth, screaming "Ebost issala!"

I wielded the greatsword and slashed through the ogre horizontally, blood pouring from its vital organs. As it fell to its knees, I jumped forth, bracing himself on the creature's chest.

I stared into its blood shot eyes as it howled at me and I whispered in its ear, "You shall not have her today."

I stabbed through the creature's heart and after the bellow of pain ended I pulled out the sword and ran to the Warden's side.

My heart raced as I took her crumpled form into my arms, taking off her helmet and breastplate so she could better breathe. Her face was bruised, but I could still make out her features. Nothing appeared to be broken or shattered.

I carried her back to the campsite, the remaining darkspawn dispatched. I laid her on my own bedroll, unlacing her armour to better examine her injuries. The mage came forth, offering to help examine her, but I waved her away in frustration. I laid my ear on her chest, hearing her breathe, feeling her heartbeat against my skin. My own heart jumped into my throat. She was alive.

I went into her pack for medical supplies and found some salves and potions. I dressed her wounds tenderly, and lifted her head up in order to pour some of a poultice down her throat. She coughed slightly as her eyes opened, looking up at me with a weak smile.

"Kadan," I whispered as I watched the bruises disappear from her face. She drank the rest of the poultice on her own, the magic aiding her recovery.

"Can I examine her now?" the Mage grumbled, "Or have you decided to continue being the Alpha Male?"

"I apologize for my intrusion, mage," I conceded, as I stood, "Please. The dwarf and I will investigate the tunnels around us to make sure we are no longer disturbed."

"Sten," the Warden called softly, "Please. Stay with me."

I longed to sit beside her, but I knew what I would forfeit if I did. That feeling had to be denied. At all costs. Kadan I had called her, but merely for there was no other word in my language for her. But she was different than any other I had called such and that did not sit well with me.

"I will return," I promised, "Rest now."

The dwarf and I grabbed our weapons, and I turned to see the mage over the Warden's body, hearing the Warden laugh at whatever she had said.

"Come on now," the dwarf nodded towards the tunnel with a smile, "I smell more darkspawn to kill. Let's go hunting!"

I looked away from her and nodded towards the dwarf, "As you wish."

I had returned to find the Warden sleeping restlessly. Perhaps it was another of the Grey Warden dreams. Perhaps she was remembering the Alienage. I do not know. But as the other two readied for sleep, I bent down beside her and touched her arm. She woke suddenly, sitting up and holding her side. Her eyes met mine and her breathing slowed.

"I have returned," I said, "The danger is over now. Sleep easier, Warden."

She waited, somehow knowing I wished to say more. But she accepted my silence and laid back down, her eyes closing again.

I sat by the fire and put my head in my hands.

I did not know this feeling. But it made me feel sick.


	6. The Viddathlok

They whipped me in the courtyard of the Viddathlok with three others. The children still walked past us, our blood pouring off our backs. The same small elf girl stopped to look at me. I held my head up to meet her gaze as the leather cut through my back. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. When I opened them again, the girl had stopped walking, waiting until the Ben-Hassrath had ended the treatment and let our wounds be exposed to the humid air.

She came forth, taking the sash off her waist. She poured water from her canteen on it and came forward. She whispered a few words of courage, wiping the sweat from my face. The water felt cool and she lifted her canteen up so I could drink.

Her teacher came and pulled her away. I watched her go and the Ben-Hassaroth decided ten more lashings were needed in order to compensate for the interaction.

I was too tired to hold my head up longer, and I laid it down to rest as they struck.


	7. Chapter Four

The Warden had heard me arguing with the assassin, the newest companion in our strange vanguard. I could not stand Tal-Vashoth, could not let him speak so highly of those who were slowly slaughtering my people.

We were in the streets of Denerim when she had stopped me, just outside her Alienage. She had begged the guard to let her in, promising anything and threatening everything. Finally, she had come back to the group. But as we passed by, she stopped and turned to ask why I hated them so.

I thought of the children I had seen slain, the villages burnt down to the ground. The missing friends, the decimated crops. I first went to wave away the question, but realized that she would understand.

"They are traitors. They wish us to die and we wish to live," I replied, "Is that not how it always is? We must fight them."

"Maybe they have a point," she said, "The Qun…it isn't the easiest of lives. It requires a lot of sacrifice on your end. Don't you wish sometimes…"

I knew what she asked, but I merely bowed my head to look away from her, "I am devout to the Qun. I do what is demanded of me. Even when it is difficult. I do not think the Grey Wardens have any less required of them."

"A compliment?" She laughed, "From you? Now this is a strange day. Do even you feel pity for me because I can't get myself back into my hellhole of a home? Maker, I must seem pathetic right now."

"You fight for your people," I responded, "It is difficult not to know their fate."

We stood there for a while, watching children play in the street, the other companions trading with the local merchants.

"We'll be soon going to the Dalish," she said, "It'll be so strange…I've never seen my kind as anything other than treated as trash in the cities. To think, somewhere, even not that far, they live free."

"In Seheron," I reminisced, "Many elves join the Qun. The priest who trained my unit was an elf, escaped from Tevinter many years before. Many find…peace in the Qun. Structure, safety."

"Perhaps there is something to be said for that," she said gently, looking back at the sealed gates of the Alienage.

The journey through the Brecillian forests was easier than the previous. It was warmer here and the chill in my bones finally thawed. We camped in the forests as we sought a cure for the elves. I normally would have pointed out how this too delayed us from reaching the darkspawn, but I saw the desperation in her eyes. She could not reach her own people and she saw them in the faces of those dying. So I said nothing.

On the patrol with the hound that night, I collected herbs that I knew she could use for tonics and poultices. I left them in a satchel by her bedroll and said nothing. I smelt the concoctions brewing when I woke, and saw her bent by the fire, humming to herself as she did her task. I smiled slightly and fell back asleep.

They day we spent journeying deeper into the forests. The chantry sister held up the back of the pack with me, her bow over her shoulder. I insisted we listen more carefully for wild animals, but she insisted on conversation.

"I'm so glad we managed to get those two together," she smiled whimsically, "I love a good love story and I adore a happy ending."

"Your view on romance is astonishing to me," I said, "You actually promote people throwing all duty and honour away for another person? And he was so foolish because of her, no wonder he could not kill an animal."

"Oh, I forgot," Leilana teased, "The Qunari and their disregard for love."

"I have many close friends and colleagues, all of whom I would fight to the death for," I replied, "But they are my brothers and sisters in the Qun. There can be no duty before the demands of the Qun. Perhaps your society here would be better off if you were all less obsessed with this notion of…we do not even have a word for it in our tongue…."

"Passion? Obsession?" she suggested, "Enthrallment? Lust?"

At the final word, I felt a slight blush come over my face and I was glad the helmet covered most of it from view. Lust. Indeed, we had that word in Qunari. It was a flaw, but one that could be worked through, one that could be controlled. Was this what had come over me? I had left the homeland and suddenly I had become no better than a student during the trials?

"All of those things," I replied, "It is no good to anyone."

"I don't know, Sten," Leilana smiled, "I've seen some amazing things done in the name of love."

"Is that how you ended up in Ferelden?"

She frowned at me and then sighed, "I guess that's a fair point."

"Even your very prophet was killed because of mad, possessive love," I said in defiance, "The Qun does not promote such feelings."

"It doesn't mean your people do not have them."

The Warden turned from the front of the pack to announce a rest. Her eyes met mine and she smiled before she turned to start setting up a tent.

"No," I admitted, resting my pack on the ground, "But we strive to be better."

I rested by the fire that night, the hound sleeping by my foot, snoring slightly. I bent down to scratch behind his ear and he whimpered happily and snored louder.

I did not mean to spy on her, but they were closer to the camp than I suppose either of them realized. We were almost all asleep, except Leilana, who was tuning her lute by ear, humming notes until she adjusted the strings correctly.

I could see them in the shadows. The prince's hands around her waist. I could vaguely hear their voices and I tried to pay attention instead to Leilana's instrument.

Alistair returned from the forest, his boots giving him away as they crushed the underbrush underneath. His face was slightly blushing, but he immediately went into conversation with Leilana and they discussed life in the monastery together. Patting the hound affectionately, I stood, picking up my dagger as I went out into the trees.

The Warden stood there, leaning her small frame against a tree as she looked out into the moon lit rivers of the valley below us. I saw her wipe away a tear quickly as she heard me approach.

"Sten," she greeted me, "Is it my turn already for guard? I'll be right back, just give me a moment."

"It is not that…I merely wished to see if you were all right," I felt myself stammer slightly, and cleared my throat quietly, "Your hound has taken to sleeping by my side in your absence. Perhaps it is time for you to return to take care of…your pet."

"My pet?" She teased, "I saw you the other night. You called him a true warrior, weren't those the words? He is a war dog, even if he is a big softie. Not unlike you actually. But thankfully, you smell better than he does. You're right though. I should get back to the camp. I wouldn't let anyone else go off on their own in these woods, so I should go by my own rules."

"Indeed."

She turned back to me and squeezed my hand with her own, "Thank you."

She paused as I started walking and I stopped, turning to look back at her.

"Leilana…she told me you don't believe in love," the Warden said softly, "Do you really think so?"

"Your chantry sister cannot keep her mind to herself, can see?" I sighed, "In the Qun, we do not take partners, lovers. There is to be nothing above the Qun. It only brings…suffering. I do not see why that is a concern, however."

"I just…" she trailed off.

"You are not part of the Qun," I said, my voice softening, "If you are happy with…Alistair, then be happy. You told me once how you were not here to impress me. Do not worry what I think now."

"But what do you think?" She asked, almost pleading.

There were so many things I could say then. I could not take my eyes off the curve where her shoulder met her neck, the soft lines her bones made in her skin.

I looked away, "It does not matter what I think."

We returned to the camp. Alistair stood up, walking to her side and taking her hand as he led her back to the fireside. They sat talking as I went to my tent, my hands shaking slightly.

I slowed down my breath and went to meditate on a passage of the Qun, telling us to surrender our lusts and passions for the clarity of mind that one needed for battle.

But all I could think of was his hands on her skin and my heart sank.


	8. Chota

Chota stared at me as I was chained against the wall, the words of my tale being written down in her tome for all to know and read.

"If you were enthralled by this demon," she asked, "How did you know that she was real? How did you know you had not succumbed to its trap?"

"All I have desired," I whispered, resting my head against the cold stone, "Is to be an instrument of the Qun. Everything else…I fought. I fought so hard."

"Are you still fighting?" She asked, eyebrows raised as she moved closer to me, her hips swaying as she walked.

"I am here, are I not?" I asked, smirking slightly.

She struck me across my face, the rings in her hand digging rivets across my skin. She spat in the wound, causing me to clench my jaw in pain.

"Your desires still lie elsewhere," she claimed, moving back to her desk, "Tell me further how you have sinned."

"Has this become the demand of the Ariqun?" I asked, "To beat me until I confess all? To make me weak and broken so I can no longer fight?"

"You must see the error of your ways. By any means necessary."

"What I feel is stronger than any pain," I whispered.

"Then I guess we have more work to do, then, do we not?"


	9. Chapter Five

I felt the demon's presence the moment we entered the chamber. The older mage told us to resist. It was…more difficult than I thought it would be.

My eyes were closing, the demon's spell overwhelming me as I reached out to the Warden. To my surprise, she reached back to me. I hit the floor, my fingers barely touching hers.

When I opened my eyes, my Beresaad brothers were around me by the fire. I could see Lake Calenhad and smell the incense a brother was burning as he did his meditations. It was cold, but I found a saddle blanket and wore it as I sat beside them at the fire.

One of them was telling a joke to another, something quite crude about Andraste and the other three laughed in response.

It was warm, it was comfortable. I was safe here. Asala was by my side. There was nothing more I would need.

Yet there was something missing, something pulling at my mind.

The elf woman appeared, calling for me. One of my brothers ordered her to leave, waving his sword near her in threat. She walked past him without fear and reached my side.

"Sten," she said softly, looking up at me, "This isn't real. This is a dream. Remember."

Her hands cradled one of my own. It felt…good. Familiar.

"We came here to fight the demon," she said, begging, "Remember? You promised to fight the darkspawn with me. You called me Kadan."

"I do not know who you are, elf," I said, frowning.

"Leave him alone, bas," a soldier warned, standing up, "You have no business here."

The others stood up, baring their weapons as they came towards her. She looked at them in panic, and turned back to me, her arms reaching up around my neck.

"Sten, remember me," she whispered, "Come back to me."

I saw her face…I remembered being by this lake with her, on a distant shore. I remembered her laugh…but I could not remember-

She pulled my face towards her and kissed me. The electricity spread throughout my body as I pulled her to me. The Beresaad brothers disappeared from sight; only the lakeshore remained as I held her.

"Sten," she said softly, stroking my cheek, "Stay with me."

"If this is a dream," I whispered, holding her in my arms, "It is a good dream."

I felt myself fading, being pulled from her.

"I will find you," she swore, "I will bring you back home."

As I felt myself dissolving into the fade, I reached out to touch her hand, but all I could grab was air as unconsciousness hit me.

After the demon lay slain, the two mages went forth, arguing over the corpse about what should next be done.

I went to the Warden's side as she checked the hound over for injuries. She stood, patting the dog on the rump and he happily waddled over to the two mages.

We stood for an instant, looking at each other and not saying anything.

"I thought I was going to lose you," she explained, a slight blush covering her cheeks, "You had your brothers again. I wasn't…thinking."

"It is alright, Kadan," I replied gently, touching her hand briefly before the others turned back to us, "You saved me. I am…grateful."

"Is that all?" She asked, looking up at me.

The mages walked back towards us and I murmured as I turned away, "That's all I can be."

We continued through the tower, fighting our way through hell and back to cleanse the circle of the demon presence. But the battle was won and to my great surprise, the mages were saved.

The Warden had the First Enchanter on her arm as she helped the old man climb down the stairs.

The two mages walked behind us. The elder, Wynne, asked us, "What did you dream when you were in the Fade?"

"Well," the Warden said with a laugh, "I know my faithful canine friend was just having a lovely nap. I would have thought to find him chasing cats or something."

"And you, Warden? What did you dream?"

Her breath paused slightly and then said gently, "I'd rather…I'd rather not talk about it just now. Maybe later."

"I dreamt of my mother," The younger mage, Morrigan laughed, "As if I would believe that my own mother would be kind and gentle. As if that would tempt me."

"I saw all my old students," Wynne admitted, "Alive, well. Then gone. It was…terrible. But I was just so tired."

"I'd be curious what a Qunari dreams of," Morrigan teased, nodding towards me, "What did you dream of Sten? Glorious battle? Cookies?"

I looked at the Warden for an instant and then turned back to the Witch, "I dreamt I was returned to the Qun."

"I guess you got what you wanted," the Warden said gently, slowing as she helped Irving over a body.

"I did."

That night we camped on the shores of the lake I had dreamt of. Our party was full, there were so many among camp now, there would be no need for the same sentry duties as there would be before.

I stood on the dock, looking out on the tower. The camp was not too far, the heat of the fire nearly reached me on the wind. I heard her steps on the creaky wood and turned to see the Warden come and stand beside me.

"I saw the Alienage," she said softly, "That I had never become a Warden. My family was safe, alive. That I was a wife, a mother."

"Is that what you want?" I asked.

"It's something that can never be," she said, "So why should I want it anymore? It's useless to think about what can be…we just have to accept what we have."

"You sound more Qunari everyday," I smiled slightly.

She smiled, shaking her head slightly, "Perhaps you'll convert us all and not even need to invade. I'm sure the Chantry would love that."

"When the day comes that my people invade…I will hope I do not see you on the battlefield. I will not seek you out."

"Aw," she mocked slightly, "Is that the best I can hope for from you?"

"What do you wish of me, Kadan?" I asked, frustrated, "After the Fade, I do not know how to speak to you. I do not know what you wish of me. Just tell me."

She did not speak for a long time. The creatures of the lake sang and croaked, the cold air settling around us as the fire lowered.

"I don't know," she said finally.

"Then perhaps you should go back to your prince," I said, looking away from her, "You seem to know what you want from him."

Hurt, she turned to leave, but I stopped her, putting my hand on her shoulder.

"Kaillian," I said awkwardly, only the second time I had called her by name, "Please. I…I do not want to hurt you. But what you want…I cannot give it to you. As much as either of us…it does not matter what we want when it is not what we have."

"Sten," she said, still looking away, "I have to go. I can't…I can't do this right now."

I let go of her, watching her leave. I went to the edge of the dock, taking off my boots and washed my feet in the cold water. I splashed the water on my face, catching my reflection in the moonlit water.

I was Qunari. This was beneath me.

I had mated many times. I had been with many women, perhaps had many children I would never see nor meet.

But never had a mere kiss that had untangled me so. Kissing was done rarely, only as part of foreplay in order to ensure a better conception. But this…this had meaning behind it, one that I could not place my finger on.

But like everything else in the Fade, this too was not real.


	10. Chapter Six

We had not spoken for days when we reached Haven. I held up the vanguard with the assassin, Zevran, and Leilana. I watched the Warden lead us forth into the cold mountains, the prince's hands reaching often for her.

I could no longer wander the world with this woman who plagued me so.

After we reached the village, I stopped her, questioning her in front of the entire party.

"This is an interesting technique," I said angrily, "Let's just move further north until it becomes south and take the Archdemon from behind."

"They will never see it coming, to be fair," she smirked, "What's wrong, Sten?"

"We are to fight darkspawn, and yet we are here searching for the charred remains of a dead woman to heal some fool in Redcliffe that will only manipulate our foolish companion over there. Why are we doing this? Why are you running away?"

Her expression changed, growing angrier and intense, "Sten. You swore to me you would help me. Wherever you lead, isn't that what you said? Is there a reason you are questioning me now?"

"This is a foolish endeavor," I replied, seeing our companions all turning to watch our fight, "You know we have more important things to do right now."

"Yes, Sten," she sneered, "I know. Only you know about duty, I had forgotten."

I closed my eyes briefly and sighed. When I opened them again, she had turned to face our companions.

"Do any of you want to lead?" She asked, raising her arms in challenge, "Anyone else think they know what's best for all of us? No? Good. Let us continue exploring the village then. Move out."

She turned to glare at me and marched on before I could say anything.

Morrigan clapped me on the back as she passed, "Nice going, Qunari."

I grumbled and moved further up the mountain.

We fought our way through so much that day. The blood, the bodies, all scarified in the name of a dead prophet. I had once thought those of the Chantry merely misguided, but that day, I saw the destruction that could be done in this Andraste's name. I saw a dead child near an altar. When the others were not looking, I closed his eyes and whispered a prayer for the dead as I folded his arms over his chest. This would not be allowed when the Qun arrived in this land, I promised myself, and that gave me strength to move through the cold mountainside.

When we reached the temple, a spirit lay in wait for us, to challenge ourselves to be proven worthy. To each of us he turned, reaching into our hearts to pull out our greatest regrets and face ourselves. When he reached me, he saw the family I had slain, the ones who had tried to help me, sacrificed to my rage.

I was ashamed.

We went further in, facing traps and challenges. As we grew closer to the end, spirits came close to us, ready to attack. In our horror, I saw it was a ghostly form of each of our companions. The ghostly form of myself went straight for the Warden, a false form of Asala stretching forth to slay her.

I ran in front of her, meeting the undead blade with my own, and shielding her with my body. I met each blow. The spirit fought as I did, thought as I did.

But it could not feel as I did.

I yelled as I slashed off the spirit's head, its decapitated form falling in front on me as it faded into the dark.

I reached for her hand, but she ignored it as she stood.

Our party made it through the spectacle until we reached a wall of flame. The Warden understood and ordered us to strip free of our gear and armour. We needed to have nothing as we walked through, she said, this was the final test.

I tried to look away as she stripped out of her armour, not even leaving on her small clothes as she prepared for the fire. Yet she seemed even fiercer now, her strength exhibited in her small form as she prepared to walk through. I could see her hesitate as she neared the flame, looking back at our companions.

As I took off the last of my clothing, I felt a slight flush come over my skin as she turned to look at me, her eyes lingering as they subtly scanned up my body.

I met her eyes. The fire was thick enough that they would not see if we made it before they too had to cross. But all were afraid to go first. She held out her hand and I grasped it in her own.

"Wherever you lead," I said quietly.

"I know," she murmured back as she brought me forth through the fire.

The fire did not harm us as we passed, feeling hot against our skin as she led me through the flames. I turned to see her, her naked form surrounded by the flames, a look of determination and strength on her face.

We emerged the other side, our companions following. As the last passed the threshold, the fire faded and only the spirit remained.

"You have proven yourselves worthy," the spirit applauded, and gestured to the urn upon a great pedestal before us.

Those who followed the Chantry stood before the Urn in turn, bowing and praying before the remains of the prophet. The rest of us dressed again, now shuddering in the cold.

"Congratulations," I muttered to the Warden, "You've found a waste basket."

She giggled slightly, covering her mouth so the others did not hear her. I watched her as she went up last, taking some of the ashes into a small leather pouch.

We left the temple, slaying the dragon that the cult had honoured so. The Warden took the final blow, piercing the blade into the creature's heart. She tumbled as the creature fell and Alistair was there to catch her.

We made camp that night deep in the mountains. I could not sleep, I was too cold, so I volunteered to sit by the fire and keep watch for any survivors of the cult. Late in the evening as all went to bed, the Warden came to my side and handed me a blanket.

"Go to bed," she said softly, "You'll warm up once you settle in. If you stay out here, you're just going to grow colder. I'm sure Dog will keep you company."

I looked up at her as I took the blanket.

"Thank you, Kadan," I replied, "You treat me kinder than I deserve."

"And you are more patient with me than I deserve," she answered.

We had waited outside the village of Redcliffe while the Warden and Alistair went in with the ashes. The dwarf was irritating me with his profane song while he polished his weapons, so I moved to the other side of the camp, sitting instead beside Leilana who was oiling her leather armour.

"Hello, Sten," she said kindly, wiping some of the oil from her hands, "Nice to be out of the mountains, isn't it? I imagine that wasn't pleasant for you."

"No," I admitted, "I have never been fond of the cold."

We heard arguing from the path leading to the castle. We both stood, grabbing our weapons as we walked forth. The others did not seem to notice as we left.

We made it not far down the road before we saw it was merely the Warden and Alistair shouting at each other in the path. I turned to leave them to their fight, but Leilana paused, wanting to listen in.

"This is none of our concern," I said, "Come now, archer."

"But…but…" she protested as I led her away.

"None of our concern."

"Fine."

We made it back to camp, the hound bounding at my feet, asking for food. I obliged by giving him a dog biscuit, which I had been sad to discover was not a cookie. He happily chomped away on it and I shook my head as I went back to my seat.

In a few moments, the Warden returned, red faced and fuming, a wrapped package bigger than her in her hands.

"Here," she said, dropping it off at my feet, "I'll be back later."

She stormed off and the others came around me as I picked up the package. It was a sword, I knew, and as I took off the wrappings protecting me, I held my breath. It was Asala. There, in my hands again.

"Now that is a beautiful blade," Oghren commented, "I would love to try that one out in the battlefield."

"This is my soul," I retorted, "I will not let another hand touch her but mine. She is returned to me…one lost blade in a war…it is amazing."

I looked up at the path the Warden had taken, and wished I had thanked her.


	11. Asala

They had taken Asala away from me, locked her in an armoury across the compound. I felt emptier than before, but I did not fight them.

I was growing weak in the Viddathlok. Too weak to use my former strength against them. I knew that this is what they wanted. To rebuild me as Qunari after they had broken me.

I was removed from my cell. I would stay in the questioning room for now on, chained to the wall and only removed when Chota allowed it.

I grew dependent on her. I wished she could save me from my madness. I would bless her for allowing me to eat, for food and water.

I was starting to forget what Kaillian looked like.


	12. Chapter Seven

I did not see much of the Warden on the way to Denerim, nor once we were there. She was taken into many meetings with Alistair and the rest of us simply waited. The assassin and I often played card games he was teaching me, though I know he was often cheating, he let me win often enough to keep my coin.

A few of us were to be taken on a rescue mission, we were told. Only the two mages and Leilana were to go with her, the Warden said, they would be the ones least likely to draw suspicion.

She saw me then, coming to find me in a room I was sharing with the Witch. She and I both had little patience for talk of the Chantry and we found solace in insulting it together. It was a shared interest that overshadowed all our other disagreements.

The Warden walked in as I stood by the fire, my elbow on the mantle as I rubbed my forehead. I had a headache since we had arrived in Denerim. It was not dissipating.

"Sten," she said softly as she came to my side, "Are you all right?"

"I am not used to being indoors so long," I admitted, "I do not think it is healthy."

"I'm sorry," she said, "There's been so much politics and little else. I've…I've missed you."

Her tone surprised me and I turned to look at her. She seemed thinner than when I had last seen her. Some of the colour had left her face.

"Be safe out there, Kadan," I said gently.

"Of course," she replied, "Make sure Alistair doesn't burn the place down."

I had been reading in the library when I saw the three women storm back into the castle, accompanied with one I had never seen before. Morrigan was yelling at the stranger, accusing her of many things as they stormed up the stairs.

I turned to look at Zevran who was nearby. He nodded and we followed the group up the stairs as they barged into Eamon's room.

"We have a problem," the stranger said as Zevran and I entered the room.

"Where's Kaillian?" Alistair asked, looking to Morrigan.

"Anora here decided to backstab us," the Witch replied.

Anora sighed, "I was trying to not get us all killed. Your Warden has been captured, she's being held in Fort Drake. I'll tell Eamon whom to contact. If we're lucky, we can negotiate for her release, perhaps even avoid a trial. Really, she was very brave, gave herself up so we wouldn't be arrested."

"And you couldn't get her out of there, Witch?" I asked.

Morrigan shrugged, "Don't look at me. I wanted to just kill a few more guards. Would have been easier. But our friend is the self sacrificing type, what can I say?"

Alistair went pale, sitting down as Eamon stood forth.

"I will make the arrangements," the Arl said, "It is good to see you safe, Anora."

"We better hurry," Anora replied, "Fort Drake…it is not a pleasant place and it took us nearly a day to return here. I do not know what her condition is."

My mind raced as I saw the scene. I had seen prisons in this country. The Warden had been drained since she arrived and she was a sole elven woman in a fortress full of guards who had no restraint. I thought of her tales of the Alienage and my blood ran cold.

"She needs to get out of there," I said firmly, "We need to rescue her."

"What?" Anora protested, "You want to launch an assault on this fortress just to get back one elf? The Warden is an impressive woman, but think of what this will do at the Landsmeet, what people will think?"

"I'll go with you," Morrigan whispered, coming to stand by my side, "I will not leave her to be beaten and raped by guards for politics."

I nodded slightly.

Alistair still did not speak as Eamon continued, "Anora is right. We cannot do what the Qunari suggests. I will speak to whom I can. Perhaps we can get her out by the end of the week. She has killed an Arl, it will be difficult."

We were dismissed and Morrigan and I went to our room. Immediately we began grabbing our gear and I strapped my armour to my chest.

"Follow my lead," she said quietly, "I think I have a plan."

We arrived at the fortress, Morrigan dressed in elegant and revealing clothing. I still wore my armour, albeit hidden under a cloak and pants.

A guard stopped up and I bowed my head.

"I am here to deliver something to the captain," I announced, "I have been sent to guard the…merchandise."

Morrigan winked at the guard and he blushed slightly.

"Of course," he said, stuttering, "Please, go on in."

I led Morrigan through the hallway; the story quickly spreading of the beautiful woman the captain was to spend the night with.

We were stopped as we neared the prison as the Captain stopped us and looked Morrigan up and down.

"Arrest them!" The Captain called out.

"Shit," Morrigan grumbled, blasting out a cold spell that froze the guards still. She and I ran through a hallway of bastilas, and she blasted any who came close to the devices with lightning and fire.

We made our way to the cellblock and she told me to run forth. She would hold them off here while I searched for the Warden.

I knocked out a guard with the pommel of my sword, stealing his keys from his unconscious body. I released other prisoners on my way, telling them to run while the guards were distracted. Perhaps some deserved imprisonment, but none deserved being there.

I reached near the end of the cellblock, the only two remaining cells. I let out a blonde man who screamed thanks as he ran and then opened the final cell. The Warden was battered and bruised, worse than when the ogre had nearly taken her. She was naked, shivering, but clearly unconscious and unresponsive to my touch.

"Kadan," I murmured, kneeling beside her. I felt her forehead, clammy and cold. I took off the cloak and wrapped her in it, bringing her into my arms. I held her there until I heard Morrigan calling for me. I stood up, carrying the Warden in my arms, her bare feet sticking out of the cloak.

Morrigan ran towards us and shouted, "I've put a barrier up, but it won't last long. You've got her? Good. We can fight our way through this or we can try to find another way out."

She saw the Warden in my arms and swore again, "She won't be able to fight. And one of us needs to carry her. I've used up a lot of my strength getting us here. I can carry her if you can fight. Otherwise…"

I put her in Morrigan's arms, "I have fought more men singlehandedly. Keep a barrier around you and the Warden. I will get you out of here."

A glow came around them as guards stormed past the threshold of the prison. Many were distracted, chasing down other escaped prisoners. I made short work of the others.

Once we made it into the streets, chaos had emerged in the city. Guards were arresting anyone near by; prisoners were running for their lives. In the clashes between the guards and the common folk, no one seemed to notice a witch and a Qunari sneak off into a back alley and disappear.

We rested in one of these alleys, the locals ignoring us as Morrigan laid the Warden on the ground. I looked away as she examined her and then wrapped her back up in the cloak.

"This is beyond my skill," she said softly, "I am no healer. We need to get her to Wynne. I know they will be angry for what we have done, but we need to go back."

"It was my idea," I replied, "If they come to arrest us…you run, witch. I will take it."

"Oh Qunari," she laughed, "I'm sure they won't let an apostate run free either. But I appreciate the thought. Let's get going, she needs help."

I picked her up gently, holding her as lightly as I could. I heard her sigh slightly and my heart skipped a beat.

As Morrigan led us on, I whispered in her ear, "Come back to me."

Anora yelled at our other companions while Alistair sat limply by the Warden's bedside. Wynne worked over her while Morrigan stood beside her, helping where she could.

I sat outside the door, waiting for any news. I fell lightly asleep, vaguely hearing people enter and leave the room. Eventually, I felt Morrigan pat my arm and I stood upright.

"She's all right," she said gently, "Now come, Qunari. Go get some sleep. She's safe now."

I slept deeply that night, a dreamless sleep in the warmth of the fortress. It was bright when I woke, beams of sunlight entering the room.

There had been more politics, more meetings we were all excluded from. I ate with the others, many patting Morrigan and I on the back for what we had done. I spoke with the others, even Oghren.

Wynne came down the stairs into the common room, glancing about at us lounging. I put down my cards and Zevran mocked me for letting him see my hand.

Wynne nodded at me and I made an apology to Zevran as I stood to leave. Wynne took my spot and my cards as I tried to walk up the stairs slowly.

When I was alone, I ran to her room and paused outside of it. I took a deep breath and I entered, trying to be as quiet as possible.

She was sitting upright, her arms stiff as she tried to take a spoonful of soup. The hound sat beside her, waiting hungrily for her to drop some of it and let him lick it all up.

I shooed the dog away, giving him a pat as he left the room. I sat beside her on the bed, taking the bowl of soup from her and offering a spoon of it to her.

She drank it greedily, sighing as she let her arms sink by her side.

"Apparently they'll hurt less tomorrow," she said, "But Wynne says even magic doesn't fix broken bones completely over night. Just…don't tell the others I was so useless."

I could not help but laugh, "Of course, Kadan. You will be a strong warrior again tomorrow."

I gave her another portion of the soup and she looked at me intently as she drank it.

After she swallowed, she asked, "Why did you come for me?"

"You needed to be freed," I said, offering her another spoonful. She painfully pushed the soup away from her. I put it on the bedside table and turned back to her.

"But why was it you?" She asked, "Why not Alistair? Why not anyone else? Morrigan told me it was you. I…I remember a little. I remember you held me. She told me in the meeting you were the one who-"

"Your prince was worried about you," I said diplomatically, "He was too…incapacitated to respond. And it would have been no better if he were imprisoned too. It made sense that I went instead."

"But you could have let them negotiate for me," she pried, "You could have let them play their political game to free me. Why did you rescue me?"

"Kadan, your incessant questions," I grumbled, "Do you not have anything better to do than to always question me so?"

I stood up to leave, but she pleaded for me to stay. I turned and saw her once again as the broken woman on the floor of the Dark Roads. And I knew I once again had to leave her.


	13. Chapter Eight

Many of the companions were sent on errands throughout the city, seeking noble support for the upcoming Landsmeet. They had learned much invading the Arl's castle, and they planned to take advantage of it all.

But Morrigan and I were not to leave the castle until the search for us died down. I spent much of that time alone. I did not feel like talking to anyone.

On the second day after the infiltration of Fort Drake, I woke to the deep purple irises of the jungles of Seheron placed in a vase beside my bed. At first I was saddened to see the wild flowers contained in such a sterile way. But as I smelt them, I felt a sense of home and was comforted.

I went downstairs, seeing the Warden reading by the fireplace. It was mainly for show since she had learned little of reading and writing in the Alienage. She stood, now without pain, and walked towards me.

"Where did you find them?" I asked.

"The Orleasian fine crafts dealer," she smiled, "I went out for a walk yesterday and saw them. I was guessing just on your description…was it all right?"

"It was…beautiful," I replied, "Thank you."

"I'm sorry I was so…pestering," she said gently.

"Do you have need of me today, Kadan?"

"I…I have heard that there is something happening in the Alienage. I've sent pretty much everyone out for different things, there's really only the four of us here. I'm not strong enough to go on my own right now. Morrigan and Alistair have already agreed, but I just want to-"

"Yes," I said, bowing my head.

"Thank you," she said, smiling slightly. She sat back down, bringing the book back up to her vision.

The Alienage smelt of death. The Warden's face remained one of horror as she waded through the masses of the sick and the dying.

The Warden looked for her father, but could not see him in the crowds. We saw her cousin, a fierce woman who reminded me of the Warden herself. There was no end to the fighting once the Warden learned of her father's capture at the hands of Tevinter slavers. It boiled my blood, thinking of the freed slaves I had grown up with, the ones I had fought beside, the elves who had been slaves of Tevinter. But here, here they claimed no slavery and yet they sold their own citizens for profit.

When we reached the slaver, the Warden would have no mercy. She did not care to have evidence to convict Loghain. She needed vengeance.

I saw her fight through the slavers like a ghost, barely touching the ground as she ran them through with her blade, blood covering her face like war paint. When we reached their leader, she swore she would have his head.

As he lay on the ground, begging for mercy, I saw myself at the farm, the blood frenzy. She cut off his head and kicked over the body.

She stood up, covered in the mage's blood. Her hands shook and Morrigan went to her side, tearing off a part of her robes to clean the blood off of her face. She said something quietly to the Warden and she nodded, looking back up at the two of us.

"I need to find my father," she said softly, "Please, look for him when you let the other slaves out. Direct them to my house, I want to make sure everyone is reunited, safe, and given some coin for damages."

Morrigan and Alistair went off into the basement of the apartments. The Warden stood there, still shaking, and I went to her side.

"Kadan," I said softly, "We are safe now. Your father will be safe. I will go with you and we shall find him."

"I understand a little better now," she said, looking up at me, "I could have let him live…I could have…"

I took her in my arms and she started to cry. I had never seen her cry before, despite all that had happened since we had begun our journey. Just one wiped away tear in the forests. I held her tightly, resting my cheek against the top of her head, smelling the essence of her hair, her skin, her blood. She let go of me, and said again, "I need to find my father."

We went into the lower areas of the apartments, finding holding cells of half starved elves waiting to be shipped to Tevinter.

"Papa!" She yelled, running to the edge of a cage, her hands reaching out for an old man who stretched out his arms to her.

I opened that cage first, letting them reunite as I worked on the others. I was not as skilled picking locks as the Warden was, but I did not wish to disturb her as she was reunited with her father.

I gave the elves directions to the meeting place, where they could be brought back to their families after being given coin and food.

The Warden came back to my side, her father in tow. I nodded and I followed her out of the darkened room into the light of day.

The two women prepared food and medicines and Alistair and distributed them to the elves, giving out coin from our small purse.

I saw her family, the father and cousins. I did not understand what it meant to have a father, but when I saw the man Cyrion hold the Warden, I began to understand a little. He took us into his home, fed us and told us of the sickness and the riots. Alistair was quite engaged, discussing with him the changes his rule would make to the Alienage.

We were leaving the hut, the others distracted by the cousin Soris asking them about the Blight, when Cyrion touched my arm. I turned and looked down at the man, raising an eyebrow.

"Take care of my little girl," Cyrion said with a sad smile, "I know she will be safe with you. I can't keep her safe anymore."

I looked over at Alistair, who was doing a poor impersonation of Loghain to the others. I looked back at Cyrion, who merely shook his head.

"My daughter is not one who is won over by jokes and flattery," he said quietly, "She needs no titles, nor gold. But she needs loyalty, courage. Maybe she does not remember that now. She was…heartbroken by what happened with Nelaros, I know."

"I am Qunari," I protested, "I think you misunderstand-"

"And we are both men," Cyrion smiled, "There have been far stranger things in both of our lives, I would imagine, then one of the Qun falling in love with an elf."

"Bring her home, Qunari," he said finally, reaching out to shake my hand, "Keep her alive."

"Even if it takes my own life, I will protect your daughter," I promised, "Until my final breath."

"I know," he replied, letting go of my hand, "Go. They need you."

Morrigan raised an eyebrow at me as I rejoined the group, but said nothing.

Love. That was the word. There was no word in Qunari for this. Nothing that meant anything positive or worthy. We had words for putting others above the Qun, for lust, but nothing like this.

I loved her.

Despite everything I had done, how much I tried to fight it, it was plain to even an old man glancing at me that I loved her.

The Warden came to my side, my heart leaping into my throat, and said, "My father seemed to take quite the shine to you."

"He is a good man," I said, "I respect him."

"He seems to respect you too," she said teasingly, "He'd rather say goodbye to you than to me, it seems. Did he have any words of advice or was he trying to convince you to get me to eat more?"

"You are very slim, Kadan," I replied back, "Perhaps the darkspawn would be more threatened by you if you were not merely skin and bones."

She laughed, "See? He's a very convincing man, my father. Perhaps he can convince the darkspawn to start behaving themselves."

As we left the Alienage, she looked back at the ruined huts and apartments and she paused.

"They couldn't take the blame out on me," she said softly, "So they took it out on Soris. The guards nearly beat him to death. And when they rioted…they nearly destroyed everything. I tried to take the blame. I tried to save them. And even now…I was too late. They took so many of them."

"You are one person," I said quietly as we walked over the bridge, "Do not blame yourself for not being a god."

"Well, I have to have some weaknesses," she smiled, "We cannot all be the invulnerable, unfeeling, militant Qunari, can we? No weakness for you, my dear Sten, I know."

The words came to my mind, but I pushed them away before I could speak them:

my weakness is you.


	14. The Qun

I remembered when I was a child with the Ben-Hassaroth. I remembered my teacher tell us all once a myth, one that the elven slaves were taught by their parents in the dark of the night.

There once was an elven Keeper, head of a great clan that roamed all the mountains. But one day, he fell in love with a human hunter, captured by his own men. The prisoner said she loved him and the Keeper told her the secrets of all the tribe and wished them to lead them together in peace.

But the hunter's love for him faded and when her people went to war with the tribe, she told all and the tribe was captured and sold into slavery. The Keeper spent the rest of his days as her slave and died by her orders.

A child in the lesson asked if the story was to teach to only follow duty to ones people. The teacher told us it was, but she asked if there was another message there.

Another said that it was one man's love that ruined the clan.

The teacher said that both were true. That the passions of one could not dictate the direction of the group. Passion was a usurper to order, to reason. The Qun teaches that only through duty will one find happiness. Honour the Qun and one honoured themselves.

I was disgracing myself now. I shamed the Qun.

They left me out in the rain, tied to the pole that they whipped me on. It was only I that night, shivering in the cold, my blood and the rain mixing in the pool around my feet.

I thought of the cold waters of Lake Calenhad and I saw her swimming still.


	15. Chapter Nine

The Landsmeet was unsuccessful, to no one's surprise. After another attempt at arrest, it came down to a duel between Loghain and Alistair. The prince finally surprised me at being competent enough to take down his foe and execute him on the spot.

The Warden had to decide between the two rulers: Anora or Alistair. I respected the woman for acting quickly and decisively, but she had led the Warden to her capture. I still remember what she looked like, crumpled and dying on the bottom of the jail cell floor. She would not speak of what they did to her. I did not think I had the strength to hear it.

Alistair was crowned victor and a celebration was planned that evening while the nobles were all together. This seemed illogical to me when there was much that needed to be done. All of the companions were invited to this party, though I despised being there. They forced me into the garb of the local men, though the pants were too short, as were the arm sleeves. Zevran laughed at me when he saw me, but pointed out where he had to roll up his own clothing. Ferelden seemed to have not thought of those besides humans when it came to tailoring.

There had been dancing in Seheron, in the moonlit jungles around the fire. There would be drink and celebration and song. But this was restrained, formal. There was no celebration here, but those who were merely finding a different way of playing their political games.

Leilana fit in well, flittering about in the crowd. The others mainly did well, though Oghren spent most of the evening out drinking most of the humans. Morrigan stood by my side, occasionally making a joke at a noble's expense. This was neither of our worlds and there was a comfort in that.

Leilana waved Morrigan over for something and the witch rolled her eyes as she walked over to the overly cheerful woman.

I stood awkwardly for a while, feeling vulnerable and a spectacle for the humans to gasp at in horror.

I went to the table full of kegs and bottles, all thrown together by the nobles who had felt generous with their alcohol that night. I rarely drank. It was something the Qun frowned on greatly. But I felt that this night it did not matter.

I saw the Warden, dressed to reveal her lithe body, on the arm of Alistair who was dressed properly for his role. I saw her smile at his jokes, beaming at the prince on her arm.

She had been born into poverty, treated as filth, and now here she was. The lover of the future king, and a Grey Warden.

There was nothing I could offer her. Even if I did…I could not.

So instead I drank, feeling the burning liquor slide down my throat. I went to take another glass when I felt Zevran's hand on my arm.

"I met many Qunari over my years," he smiled, "None of whom could take their liquor. Why don't you and I get out of here and you can lose some more coin to me, Sten?"

I nodded, first stopping to finish the drink, and then following the elf. I turned to look back at the party. The Warden was on the dance floor, but the man who held her was not Alistair. I recognized the man from Redcliffe. I saw his hand slide down her waist.

Zevran caught my attention and said quietly, "She's a grown woman. She can take care of herself for one evening."

I nodded and we left the room.

After many games of cards, Zevran's attempts to distract me began to fail. A beautiful servant girl caught his eye and he excused himself, leaving me alone by the fire and a glass of whiskey.

I thought of the Warden and the man on the dance floor. I took another drink of the glass, wincing as it went down. I pushed the glass away.

I could not do this much longer. Not while I sat and waited. I wanted to fight again; I wanted to feel like I was doing my duty.

But instead I was sitting, drinking forbidden liquor, and lusting for my commander.

I would have to talk to her. If she would rebuke me, tell me how wrong I was, perhaps I could move forth. One moment of weakness might help me with a lifetime of resolve.

I went up to her room, but she was not there. I waited by the door for less than half an hour when she appeared in the hallway. Her hair was in disarray, and a sheen of perspiration covered her skin. She smelt strongly of musk and sweat and sex. She reached my side and I could feel a throbbing throughout my blood.

"I'm fine, Sten," she said, "You don't have to check in on me."

I was glad I had not drunk more. So badly I wanted to carry her into the room and replace the smell of that man with my own. I wanted to make her scream underneath me and I wanted to claim her for myself.

"Of course," I said meekly instead, "Be well, Kadan."

I turned to leave, and this time she did not ask me to stay.

I went back to my own room, locking the door behind me. I stripped naked, but I could not shake the feeling of the flush across my skin, the throbbing in my entire body. I was only slightly surprised by my arousal, my erection that had only grown as I tried to resist my urges.

But I would not be able to sleep, not thinking of her, not when I needed so much for a release. Tonight was a night of compromise, of weakness. I lay on top of the bed, my hands reaching for my erection, stroking it as I sighed. I imagined her naked form, but covered in the smells and sweat I had felt tonight. I wished she were there, that I could be inside her. I remembered the feel of her lips against mine and I stroked faster, squeezing tightly as I grew closer to a release.

I wanted to be free of her, but that feeling was losing to my need for her. She was becoming a physical necessity. As I released my seed into my hand, I knew that this would not be enough. I would only be satisfied with her.

I do not remember how many times I gave into temptation that night. I only know that I finally fell asleep, tired, but still so frustrated by how I needed more and more what was forbidden to me.


	16. Chapter Ten

That morning, I woke, my head pounding and my legs were weak. I rose from bed, groaning slightly as I went to the window and drank from the water jug on the mantle. I remembered too late I was still naked and after hearing a woman scream in the street, I splashed some water on my face and went back to the centre of the room.

After I was dressed, I went to see Wynne for a tonic for my headache only to discover that she was not in her room. I went down to the common areas, finding only nobles who stared at me, a few telling me to leave them alone in fright.

The Landsmeet was over and I was tired of hiding. I went out into the courtyard, taking in the sunlight and feeling its warmth on my skin.

I could not handle every day as I did the night before, I knew. Perhaps my mind was still somewhat my own even then. So I left for the day, and went into the forests surrounding the city. I meditated most of the day, taking only breaks to drink water and to eat what I could forage in the woods.

I returned that night, refreshed and with greater will. I was Qunari. The Blight was wrecking havoc on me, creating desires I had never felt before. But it was weakness. I would return to Seheron, I would be part of the Qun again.

Alistair found me in the library that night, though I heard him coming minutes before. He had never mastered any stealth.

I put down my book and looked up, "Can I help you, Warden?"

"Yes…well…no…yes?" He tried to speak, sitting down beside me, only to stand back up and begin pacing again.

"Speak, Alistair," I commanded, "You waste both of our time."

"It's Kaillian," he said, "You know her well. I need to talk to a man about this. And well, you'll make fun of me the least out of the others."

"Since your other options are a drunkard, a sex-obsessed elf, or the dog, I see your point. I still do not think I am a good candidate."

"I have...I have to…" he trailed off, pulling back his collar, "We can't be together…"

"Your society cannot have its king partner with an elf?" I stated, raising an eyebrow at him, "You should have known that from the beginning."

"It's not because she's an elf!" He protested, "How can you even think that?"

"Alistair," I said, as sincerely as I could, "You and I both saw the Alienage. And I have seen much more in other lands. Perhaps you do not even know you view her as elven. But you do. They all do. If she had been a noble woman, would you have come to me tonight?"

He paused, "I need an heir, I need a child to carry on my name. Two Grey Wardens cannot possibly have a child."

"You did not answer my question, Alistair," I responded, "If she had been a noble woman, would you have come to me tonight?"

His face fell and I stood, "Do what you needs to be done, prince. That is the first lesson you must learn if you wish to rule this nation."

"Sten," he called out, "Do you think I am doing the right thing?"

I paused and looked down at him, "I think you are not good enough for her."

"What do you know, Qunari?" He yelled, "You don't even believe in all this romanticness…stuff."

"I know that if you really loved her," I said, "Then you would not have come to me tonight. Go do your deed, prince, go make your kingdom proud."

I walked out as he sat fuming, my own hands shaking.

I could not sleep that night, angry with Alistair and angry with myself. I knew she would not sleep either. I wished I could sit beside her, but I did not dare. If she turned to me for comfort…there was none I could give that I would not regret the next day.

I wandered the halls and hearing Zevran laughing with Leilana in her room, I knocked on the door. The elf opened the door and greeted me.

"The Warden and Alistair have ended their relationship," I said, "I suggest you go see her and…do whatever she needs."

Zevran raised an eyebrow at him, as did Leilana.

"Are you sure?" he asked, "Do you not think she would like someone else's company?"

"I cannot," I said, "You must be the one to go…please."

I left as soon as I said it, not waiting for his reaction. I knew he would do so. I regretted it, but I wished her not to be alone that night. She would send him away if she needed to be by herself.

I thought of what I had done, what I had suggested, and I felt disgusted with myself.

We left for Redcliffe that morning. I did not speak to any of them as we journeyed. Perhaps soon I could return to Seheron. Perhaps then the nightmare would be over.

At night I would hear them, hear her moans and sighs through the thin sheets of our tents. My body would grow aroused, but I resisted. I needed to.

The army grew at Redcliffe as word came of a final battle brewing. There was strategy, and again, more politics. I sat by the lake with the hound, who had not left my side since we had reached the village.

I thought of that first battle here, of the beautiful elven woman swimming in the cold waters at dawn.

But now it was dusk, and as the sun left the sky, the hound howled at the growing moon above us.

It would not be much longer.

I returned to the castle, moving upstairs into set of rooms we had been given to sleep and prepare. When I came to my own room, I found the Warden, dressed only in a thin nightshirt, lying on my bed. She was startled as I came in and she immediately stood to go.

"Kadan," I bowed my head, "Do you have need of me?"

"I shouldn't have come here, I'm sorry, this was a mistake," she said, "I just…"

"Speak," I said waving her back into the room.

"I am a fool," she said laughing slightly, "I am a pathetic fool. And now…I…oh Maker, you must think so poorly of me by now. You must think I throw myself at any man who even winks at me. I…"

"Kadan," I replied, "You are a beautiful, strong woman. You have been hurt and you seek solace. If you and your partners are in agreement, then you have not done anything wrong."

"I don't love Zevran," she said gently, "And that makes me feel guilty. And now…now I have to ask something of someone else who used to love me…and ugh, I just feel…like a whore, that is how I feel."

"Kaillian," I said softly and she looked up at me with hope, "You are the most amazing woman I have ever met. But you are human. You expect yourself to be perfect, to be without flaw, or shame. But no one is."

"Not even you?" She teased.

"Especially not me," I smirked slightly.

"I don't want to be alone," she said, "I thought…I thought I would never have to be alone again. Then Nelaros died. Alistair left…I…I just can't…"

"You are stronger than this, Kadan," I said softly, "You don't need anyone."

"I need you," she said quietly.

If I were not of the Qun, I would have swept her into my arms then. I could see the night of passion, the promises I would make and regret. I could see that she would feel that she used me, broke me.

So instead, I bowed my head and did not say anything.

"All this time," she said softly, "And you still can't, can you?"

She left the room, her hands touching mine briefly as she left.

I knew I needed rest for the battle tomorrow.

But I could not shut my eyes.


	17. Chapter Eleven

We marched through the streets of Denerim that day. The sky was full of ash and smoke, the streets filled with the dead and dying.

We battled our way through the marketplace until it came time for the Warden to face the archdemon. She would take a few, the rest to stay there to keep back the darkspawn from overwhelming the city.

She spoke to us each, as we said goodbyes and wished each other well.

She reached my side. We could barely see each other in our armour, but I felt her hand touch my arm.

"I want you to stay here," she said softly, "I need you to lead them. You will keep them safe and alive. Protect them for me, Sten. Keep us safe."

Perhaps I would never see her again, I did not know.

"When I go to Seheron…after I return from Par Vollen," I stuttered, "You could come with me."

I looked down as she studied my face.

"You are the fiercest warrior I have ever known," she said finally, "If we survive tonight…if I survive tonight. Maybe we can talk about it."

"Kadan," I murmured, not wanting her to leave my side. Yet I could not say so. Perhaps I would die that night. Perhaps…

But it did not matter. It did not change who we were.

We held off the darkspawn throughout the day and night began to fall on the city. We were tired, worn, hungry.

I had sliced through a hurlock when I heard the explosion. The darkspawn began to flee, and others chased them to kill them as they ran. I watched the fire, the blinding light that left the tower as the clouds parted.

There was magic then as the city was cleansed and the stars grew bright around us.

But where was the Warden? Did she still live?

The celebration began as soldiers cheered and danced in the streets. Our companions embraced, slapping each other on the chest for surviving against all of the odds.

The night grew late as the fires continued through out the city, as the soldiers made camp in the streets. They drank, they danced, they mated. But I waited. I sat by one of the fires, near the place she had left my side.

Through the smoke, I could see the outline of an elf in armour and I stood, walking closer to their side.

She reached me and we stood by the fire.

"Kadan," I whispered, "You are alive."

I could no longer stop myself. I kissed her fiercely and I felt her submit to me in that moment. I kissed her neck as I carried her into a tent, pushing her against the ground.

The slit of the tent remained open, letting the firelight reveal our features in the darkness. Her tunic was ripped and torn from the battle and I easily removed it from her, tearing the remaining seams. I flipped her on her stomach and I unbuckled my pants and stripped myself of armour.

I whispered to her the words I had forbidden myself to say, loosely translated into Qunari, which had no words for what I felt.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I removed the last pieces of her clothing, feeling the wetness on my fingers as I pulled off her smallclothes. I took off my own and entered her quickly, slamming as much of myself as I could into her.

She gasped slightly as I grabbed her breast with one hand, thrusting again into her. The other hand gripped into the earth, stroking her own hand with the tips of her fingers. She cried out as I pounded into her again.

She gave herself to the act as I thrust into her, her back arching into him, wanting to be completely filled by me. I growled as she did so and I leaned forth, biting down hard on her shoulder and grabbing harder on to her breast, squeezing her hardened nipple.

I knew I was growing closer and needing to be in her, I thrust faster, my hand fumbling as I tried to hold her as close to me as I could. My own breath grew hoarse and sharp, matching the quickening heart beneath my fingers.

I kissed her bruised shoulder and she cried out, moaning loudly as she shook around me. The feeling drew me closer and I thrust a final time into her, my seed filling her as the wave of pleasure hit me strongly.

I collapsed beside her, pulling her onto my chest. I was tired. She was here, she was alive. And I was satisfied…more than that…but it was another thing I had no word for. I held her and she pulled a blanket around us and thinking I was asleep, she whispered to me her reply. She loved me too.

We slept that night, naked and in each others arms as the world celebrated around us. But I cared not for any of it, only caring for the body pressed against me.

I woke in the red light of dawn, the embers of the last night's fires burning still throughout the streets. I looked down at the woman sleeping peacefully beside me. I longed to have her again, disappointed by how small my will power had become.

But there would be time enough still. She would come with him to Seheron, perhaps. Perhaps there would be more time for us before…

I did not know what I had planned. All I knew was I needed her.

I had failed, I realized. I had lost my battle.

Yet for some reason, I did not mind. I would leave her for now, there was much to prepare for the journey.

There would be festivities that day, the coronation, and the pronouncement of the Hero of Ferelden. It was all rather formal and it did not please me. I missed the Witch's presence and I wondered where she had gone.

I watched her turn to each companion as we stood in the hall of the royal palace. I stood by the door, waiting for her to see me. I had managed to find some proper clothing for once and I felt more dignified. My heart raced as she turned her eyes to me and she walked to my side, away from the others.

"Kadan," I bowed my head, "I leave soon for Seheron. The winds are good, they tell me, I should leave for the seas soon."

"I wish you a good journey," she said, smiling, and reached out as if to touch his face, but then stopped, "Be safe."

"You…you could come with me, if you wished," I said hesitantly.

"Will you ever return to Ferelden?" She asked, "Would I make the journey alone?"

I realized what she asked of me and my heart sank. I could offer her no future. We would not live together, not raise a family and children. We would have no home together. We would be ignoring all responsibility for a few fleeting moments of happiness. There was more to the world than her and I.

She waited for my answer

"My duty is to the Qun," I replied, softly, knowing what it was I needed to say, "I cannot abandon my duty…even for you."

"I am Warden-Commander now," she said looking at me, her lip trembling, "I am the only Grey Warden in Ferelden…and the Alienage, we may be able to help my people…I can't leave, Sten. I understand what you meant all this time. I should have listened. You were right."

"You too understand duty," I replied. I took her hand in mine. She could not say goodbye as she left. I did not blame her.


	18. Epilogue

I left the city that night and waited in a seedy hotel by the docks. I hoped she would come to me again. I hoped she would not.

I was a hero in Par Vollen. I made my report to the Arishok, and then returned home to Seheron. What was the Blight they had asked, but when I returned, I had much more than they ever expected to hear.

But things were not as I expected they would be on my return to my island. I could not stop thinking of her. I did not eat much, and I could barely sleep.

I hoped she did not suffer as I did.

They selected me for the breeding program, but I refused. I thought of her skin, thought of her lips against mine. I wanted love, not sex. The life we could have had together flashed before me and I drew away.

They sent me to be reeducated. I thought at the time I had volunteered.

They left me tonight in the rain, chained to the pole as my cuts are washed with the warm water of the jungle. I tried to sleep as the thunder shook around me

Chota asked me once if I still fought. I realized I was still fighting, every day.

I could not submit because I did not want to. I had been forced here.

I did not know how long they would keep me here, how long they would make me stay. But it did not matter. They could not stop me from loving her.

And they could not make me submit.


End file.
